Spellbinding Wanderer: 2014

A first for more and better posts? Hehe.

1:08:00 am

너무 어렵다

4:00:00 am

Spring comes and flowers bloom
Summer comes and memories melt but…

The four seasons don’t suit me well, I’m a cold person
My hard personality is like the skin-cutting winter
The cold wind – you all know
To me, coldness is everything, it’s like the winter sea
Send a boat off and you’ll see that I’m not an island but an iceberg
I lost my focus because my eyes are frosted
The cold memories have been trampled
I keep screaming even without my uvula
I was an icy road with only painful scars remaining
My heart crumbled as if an avalanche came down
After I put things back in place
The lights were off and it was night
Though the sun called you has risen
The snow-covered mountain does not melt

It’s cold here even when I hide my hands in my pocket
It’s so cold even when I blow into my hands
My heart is so frozen that my lips get cracked

I’m the only cold one even when I wrap my body in blankets
It’s so cold even when I’m in someone’s embrace
I try to block the hole in my heart but the wind keeps coming in

The spring comes with a fluttering heart
But I’m standing at the tip of fall
My memories have stopped in the winter
I’ve put all the warmth in between the cracked skin of my dried heart
Memories are trapped inside the frozen river
But it holds onto me and doesn’t let go of my hand
After I got to know the cold separation
The blooming spring doesn’t come anymore
Cherry blossoms fall like snowflakes, it’s cold here
Sunshine falls like a snowstorm, it’s only cold for me
If I touch anything, it freezes so I’m afraid to hold your hand
Because if you come close to me, your heart might catch a cold too

It’s cold here even when I hide my hands in my pocket
It’s so cold even when I blow into my hands
My heart is so frozen that my lips get cracked

I’m the only cold one even when I wrap my body in blankets
It’s so cold even when I’m in someone’s embrace
I try to block the hole in my heart but the wind keeps coming in

I’m cold as ice. I’m cold as ice. I’m cold as ice. So cold.

Spring comes and flowers bloom
Summer comes and memories melt but here…

It’s cold here, it’s so cold
My heart is so frozen that my lips get cracked

It’s only cold for me, it’s so cold
I try to block the hole in my heart but the wind keeps coming in

Once again, like a fool, I can’t say anything.
I stand still here.
Unable to say that I love you or anything at all.
I just stand still, stopped.
Like a fool, I can’t approach you.
I stand still here.
I, who can’t say those simple and common words, ‘I love you,” am a fool, a fool, a fool.
Once again, today, I walked in place. My breath stops and thoughts haste, falter.
My heart hastens like a kid who doesn’t know how to tie his shoes.
Even when I (forcibly) cross the ties that are ‘you’ and ‘me’, and am afraid like a fool,
I just move back and forth like an echo, and can’t speak at all,
(that I love you)
I stand far away, hoping that you will turn around
I’m here, stopped (like a fool).
I stand far away, if you turn, i start at the ground
I’m here, stopped.
Once again, today, like a fool I can’t say anything.
I stand still here.
Unable to say that I love you, or anything at all.
I just stand still, stopped.
Like a fool, I can’t approach you.
I stand still here.
I, who can’t say those simple and common words, ‘I love you,” am a fool, a fool, a fool.
When I am in front you, even the fluent time stops.
I have lots to say, but you might say ‘no’ or not like it at all. Even the heart worries for me.
So, always I turn the words around, never to the point, and check where I am.
When would your heart finally rest in a station of ‘I’?
I stand far away, if you turn, i start at the ground
I’m here, stopped.
I stand far away, hoping that you will turn around
I’m here, stopped (like a fool).
Once again, today, like a fool I can’t say anything.
I stand still here.
Unable to say that I love you, or anything at all.
I just stand still, stopped.

I need you girl
I need you girl
I need you girl, though I’m that person who can’t say a word to you
I need you girl
I need you girl
I need you girl, just like a fool, personal fool

I am such a fool
I am such a fool
I am such a fool
I am such a fool
I am such a fool
I am such a fool (I am such a fool)
I am such a fool (I am such a fool)
I am such a fool (I am such a fool)
I am such a fool (I am such a fool)

RNP Part 2: Wishlist!

12:25:00 am

RNP: Random Netball Post

11:56:00 pm

I gotta say my love for Netball is off the scale sometimes. It's "sometimes" because I'd play it today and then miss playing it that night. 2 hours is not enough and even if I do play up to 3 hours I'd still be playing the next day if there is any. Alhamdulillah I have a team I play with and we get invited alot; for instance we're even invited to 3 venues tomorrow by 3 different teams. I love it! Hehe..
I've played netball since I was..9 I think? An original who's afraid of a netball ball got smacked on the face with it by my teacher during netball club. Funny thing was I didn't even sign up for it and turns out my friend was the one who did. So since then I've love netball. Played during my primary years to my secondary and up until now.
I've played all the positions of course except for the shooting. Originally I was a WA then a C. Then now I'm at the defense part (GD, GK & WD) and despite my height (short I mean :P) my team accepts it so I'm quite happy with it.
Personally I think I still need alot to improve especially on my speed and agility. I haven't have the chance or the knowledge to improve it yet since I just found out about it though. It wasn't that much of a problem before but I guess I just got older? Lol. Maybe. But I gotta say, most of the time when I go up to my opponent; they'd sigh seeing me approaching them. That's always a good feeling. Hehe.
As for injuries; Alhamdulillah and Nauzubillah the most painful one to date would just be spraining my back. The pain radiated from there to my whole body to the point that everything I do hurts and yes, even lying down. My ankles, my fingers and my palm; fuhh. But it's alright, I still play the game.
I've grown so much since that day when I got smacked with the ball. From someone who can't even catch a ball and always in a team that loses tournaments; who's just so glad even if we scored just 1, I've come so far to be able to put fear on my opponent's face and being able to hold my head up high for having a team with the highest goal scores in a tournament. I've really come so far. But despite that feeling; I still feel there's a long way to go. I still need to improve myself and I always need to be careful.

Cheers,
Wai

That's just why

12:57:00 am

Sigh

3:01:00 am

May 2014 KL Trip

3:59:00 pm

I went to Kuala Lumpur last week and this time I went with mum, Udin and Harris. It was a 4 days 3 nights trip and we just went there to..Shop. Hahah. It was fun (most of it) and there were alot of changes around there as Bukit Bintang is undergoing constructions (LRT/MRT construction) so it was quite difficult to navigate through the streets. All in all, fun!

Honestly there weren't many tourist as it usually was like the last time I was there; and the taxi drivers there complained about it alot. They said it's mainly because of MH370 and the Sabah girl kidnap? Which resulted to a rise in crime rates over there. Alhamdulillah it didn't affected me and my family during our stay but I gotta say..It I'll tell you later on (if I have the heart to).

So we went to the usuals at Bukit Bintang; Pavilion, BB Plaza, Sungei Wang, Lot10 and such. And this trip is actually my first time to go to Mid Valley. It was ok lah..Macam sama saja if I go to Bukit Bintang? So yeah. We have the usual meals of Nando's and McDonald's for breakfast. Hahah typical because we like to eat where it's easy and fast for breakfast. I shopped of course and yes it's the usuals: H&M, Padini, Uniqlo, FOS, Mango, Cotton On..OMG I feel like I wanna go there again!

Don't get me started with Nando's -_- I love Nando's. Don't go around and tell me off how it's the generic chained food and it's so unoriginal O_O I love nando's and that's final! Better than Kenny Rogers okay! Hahah..

I spent alot of my time and money here I think. Mind you not just on the clothes/bags/shoes there but the food as well. Hahah. Honestly it's mainly because my last day was there so I was busy trying to finish off my shopping list. There were quite a number of sales there but not that major but I think those sales were for mother's day lah ah. Most of my favourite shops are there so I was quite happy. Nasib jua my last day to spend was there. Hehe!

I really want to try this hotel someday. It's at Bukit Bintang opposite side of Lot10 I think. One of the taxi drivers told us it's abit cheaper than Federal Hotel? Not sure but I really wanna try it. Why? 1. Cause it's new and 2. It looks nice. O_O

I don't know why, but I always make that pose. It feels comfortable when I do it but when I see it now, it looks like I'm trying to hard to look tall? and in the end I just look like..A guy. Lol! But anyways this was when were out at Suria KLCC trying to find the Aquaria. Udin decided to bring Harris there so we can enjoy our time shopping.

May I do and OOTD? Hehe..

Shawl: Warna "belacan" bought it at Masjid India.

Denim Blouse: Mango.

Skirt: Cotton on.

Flats: Vincci.

Bagpack: My old favourite Nike bag.

This brother of mine. Sigh, Sakit kepala dilayan over there. Keeps whining and we have to follow his needs so it was straight up annoying. Sigh.

He spends his time in an audio shop for an hour or two the whole time we're there. Trying out earphones with his amplifier and chatting with the owners like he owns the place. Cali. Hahah.

I only like to go out during the night only when the shops are still open. Hahah.

I never miss this spot in Pavilion; Tokyo Street! They have this food stands so I always try buy some stuff there. And from Daiso! Hahah I know it's common stuff worht 5rm each and there's nohing special but that's just it! The 5rm thing is the special part!

Our go home meal was ermm. Gila. Wasn't that nyaman but it cost mum 196BND. I was just eating Laksa. Mmph. Hahah. No comment.

Again, like I said a good trip except for the part where Harris was whinning. I just wish I can go there again on my own without my parents like last year's trip? That was fun. Hahah.

Toodles,

Wai

I can feel it!

12:03:00 am

My Style? Really?

1:00:00 am

Okay, obviously all us girls (well everyone really) loves to think about fashion. It's to look good, to have confidence and just to feel comfortable. I personally think all those 3 criterias meet when you know what suits you and it's usually what you wear everyday; the basics and stuff. For each and everyone of us basics can mean everything really. I mean; I'd consider a pair of flat shoes or sneakers would be the basics but to Victoria Beckham; it's her heels perhaps? Yeah, what I mean is everyone's different!

And yes you might be wondering; why the sudden fashion/style talk? Well, because InsyaAllah I'll be going to KL this May so I've been looking up things I want ot buy. And honestly, my vision hasn't changed that much but the things I need to get to that vision has. So, here you go! My preference!

Patterns

I love patterns :D Not too crazy though..Anything subtle is awesome to me but I straight up, do not like big polkadots, vertical stripes or animal prints. Hahah..I don't know. I just..Don't?

In Dire Need for Plain Ones

I've also realised that I need more colours as well. My wardrobe mostly consist of blue, black and gray; it's scary. And everytime I try to get colourful, I end up with black or blue in them. And even if I do buy different colours, I'd still end up with blue or gray in my shopping bag. Hahah..Sigh.

I love that Indie/Vintage/Rock-ish street look

Unless it's Raya of course but even that, I wish to have a Indie/Vintage/Rock-ish persona in it. I don't know when can that happen but seriously it would be a dream come true if I can. Hahah. But yeah seriously, I love that style. It's subtle but stylish and comfortable to wear? It doesn't look to formal and it's mostly cotton which I love!

I hate it if I try too much. It shows sometimes. I mean, it doesn't hurt to set the whole look up but I can't really stand it if it's that 2 coloured kinda thing? Or just too..Themed? Yeah..Inda. I really love an effortless kinda a feel. I've yet to achieve it pulang ah but..Hahah, I wish.

I need more sunglasses

Literally want that whole lot. Oh and some aviators. Hehe.

Watch

I really need one O_O Many may say that we don't need to buy watches anymore since we have our phones to get the time but seriously, I hate to search for my phone in my bag or pockets just so I can see the time so I don't really understand why some people say so. Watches are still needed banartah!

I wish for an effortless feel to my style. A style I'm comfortable to wear and that just defines me. I've got a long way to go of course but yeah..Mau bali those stuff di KL InsyaAllah! Hahah!

Aight, toodles!

Hang in there

12:14:00 am

So I was thinking about this all day:

How you can't seem to get what you want,

How you seem to can't catch a break,

and How you wish you'd just have a better life than you have now; be it in terms of money, relationships and work.

I mean, it's impossible for a person to never experience this. Even when you're a baby right? Like how you'd cry when you need milk but it's frustrating when no one understands you? Yeah, you know you still do.

In my own life, I've experienced those stuff where you just want to scream when it just doesn't go your way and seriously, who doesn't right? You get disappointed, you're unhappy and you just feel like you don't want to live anymore. But through those disappointments; you learn to control yourself, you learn to prepare for them and you learn to see the bright side to it. You learn to be better and the bigger you get, the tougher it is but with all that has happened; it made you stronger and that strength is what's making you to live on.

I asked myself; what strength has made me go on? So I thought, the hope that it gets better.

The hope that you know life is like a wheel where once you're up, you're bound to go down sometimes. But at the same time you know you're going to go up soon in no time.

Somehow I get to listen to one of Mufti Menk's taklim on the radio today and in this one he said that when you're having it hard then that means Allah loves you. He loves you so much that when you have lost focus on Him to the finer things in this world, He takes it away from you so that you can come back to Him and gain paradise hereafter.

Seriously how awesome do you feel when in times you are at lost and in hardship, you remember it's because Allah loves you? And that He wants you back? How special do you feel? And with that thought, isn't that enough to be optimistic and live on?

Straight up saying I still have alot to learn on how to control myself and be optimistic; in other words, to just be damn grateful. I still complain and am still unsatisfied with the things I have and I still let it all out to people when they too, have their own problems as well but manage to keep it in. So for that I am still ashamed of myself. I may complain that I don't have enough sport shoes while other people might having it hard to even get one. So why am I so ungrateful? Sigh.

I think when we say sabar, I think most of the time it should be pasrah. To me sabar is holding it in and try not to lash out while pasrah is holding it in and accepting the fact and not think of it after that. So when we pasrah instead, how much better would we feel after that? Makes me wonder. Ahah..

Well, sorry ah random post lagi but seriously living on makes you think. Hahah apakan saya ah..

Aight!

Nini

3:45:00 pm

Assalamualaikum everyone,

It's been bothering me really. I talk and curse about it alot but I don't think it's right to do so. Yes, I realised that. So I guess I can write it here. It's not like they'd read it. Not many reads my blog I guess but the ones who do; thank you for caring about what I write. :)

So it's about my Nini. He's basically not getting any healthier to his normal state kan so he's been in and out of the hospital this past year. At first, many visited; many came but I guess I understand that it gets harder to do so when it's been that long? Yes I get it. Not to mention the fights we have about his care and such and that just makes it even harder to be the same; you just act like nothing happened for his sake.

But recently I just can't stand the fact that you post pictures to the whole world of your nini to show that you're visiting them. To the outside world, they'd see you've been visiting them all the time but inside that circle; we know you've just visited them recently. In a 1-2 months period that is.

You message your cousins, your aunties and your uncles about it to make sure that they'd know and you'd be ridden of your guilt when in fact they know that is the only time you're going to visit for the time being.

And some just haven't bother to visit at all because I guess there's just no guilt in them about it that they'd just explain abuttload of bullshit to explain themselves; when in fact the only one matters is him; Nini.

I'm not perfect. I don't visit him everyday. Even when I do, it's not like I clean him, bathe him or change his diapers. I know that. But it's just that when he is in this condition where you just know deep down in your heart that his health is failing and he won't have much time left. Why are we acting this way? To show off, to ignore and to just fight over such trivial things.

You don't need to post pictures or send them to your family to show your effort; that's between you and Nini. That matters. You don't need reasons when you feel guilty; you come and see him. And you don't just come when he is really failing and lying in the hospital. If you feel it's been too long, then make the effort. You don't have to explain yourself at all to people.

Yes, maybe he is not the best Nini; the best father in the world and yes maybe you explain to yourself that the reason you're not visiting is because he's not even nice to you but the truth is once he is gone, then you'd realise that he may not be the best but he did try his best because if he didn't then all of us are failures right now; all of us wouldn't be this well off as well. He may not provide with the wealth one wishes but when he's gone you'd realise that he has given you all his experience and advices he can for us to succeed. Once he's gone, you'd realised your regret for not treating him nicer while he's still here. Yes, maybe once he's in his grave; you'd forget about it and come by once a year but truth is though he is far away, he will always be in your heart, in your mind and in your prayers. It's up to you to have a good feeling or a bad one when you do think of him.

I know because I have made the same mistake with my Ninibini and now that she's gone whenever I think about her, I feel regret. Regret for not treating her better, for not realising her and for not loving her enough. Because though she was sick (for more than a decade) she lived like a rockstar and took care of me when I was at my best health. And I don't want to repeat that and regret for not loving enough. And trust me, having regret when you think of your dead loved ones is the worst feeling ever; it feels like you've been a bad person your whole life.

So for that reason, please..Don't be like me, my dear ones. Don't have the same feelings as me. Visit Nini with respect, visit him before it's too late and please, love him before it's too late.

Random kinda thang

1:34:00 am

PMS melanda

12:54:00 am

random

AKU MAU!

1:54:00 am

Image source

Okay I don't..Have it..Yet? But..OMG I WANT THIS! It's basically an instax printer that we can wirelessly print our edited/nice/awesomely positioned handphone pictures to those little instax pictures!!! O_O Seriously!

Ngam jua I was thinking about my instax camera Muiz bought me..Macam I keep on forgetting to bring them along and even when I do, I always forget to take pictures using them. If I have this! OMG! Even if I forget to bring or take my instax pictures! I still can make them at home! OMG! I SERIOUSLY WANT ONE!!!

Image source

Here's the thing;

Simply put: I'm broke. Of course a student like me (especially who doesn't have extra or side incomes other than from my parents) would have some from our monthly allowance but the problem is it's late. REALLY late. Like, 8 months late? I have planned so many things as they usually promised that our allowance should be out in 3 months and stuff but here I am..Literally..Karing. Hmm. All the students from the other faculties have their allowance except for us science people and seriously, now I am pissed off. And the worst part is? My bank forms are not even requested yet. So how can I complain that the allowance is not going in my bank account when they don't even know my accountnumber? Sedihlah. Seriously sedih.

Okay, I get it and yes I know I can ask for some from my dad but seriously; hari-hari kali?

My major concerns are basically my fuel, lunch money, credit and toiletries. When I ask for them I scold myself. Not to mention ashamed. Sigh. Kana marahi lagi pasal minta balik-balik. Sigh payah when they don't understand. Seriously.

My point is; please keluar tah. I feel guilty as I keep asking for money from my parents even for food. I thought I would just burden them with my stuff just for 3 months but seriously it has been 8 months and banartah, I can't bare looking at their expressions and facing their rants. I want to eat and buy my necessities without my parent's help. My allowance is what I use to not burden my parents. It's also what I use to buy them stuff as well.

Jealous lah jua liat people my age get to spend all they want already. Sigh. Menalan air liur saja melintas-lintas barang/kedai ah. Sigh. Tapi banartah, meliat saja my brother membali starbucks atu..I feel so..Sad with the fact that even if I want one (just because); I'd have to ask for the money and then just to buy a tall cup of java; and then the next day minta lagi for my fuel and crap. I mean, that is alot of work to do and think. Not that I am a fan of Starbucks (I don't drink coffee) but well, you know. It's new and I'm curious. Sigh.
Keluar tah bah. Keluar tah. Malu bah. Balik-balik minta. Balik-balik kana lanja oleh boyfriend. Sigh. I hate being a burden. Banartah.

I heard the list will come out soon pulang ah. As for the money; no idea.

All I can say is that it is REALLY UNFAIR.

Toodles,

Sound of my heart

To the stars

I wish that I

That H to the 2 to the O!

To the stars and back