Assalamualaikum everyone,

It's been bothering me really. I talk and curse about it alot but I don't think it's right to do so. Yes, I realised that. So I guess I can write it here. It's not like they'd read it. Not many reads my blog I guess but the ones who do; thank you for caring about what I write. :)

So it's about my Nini. He's basically not getting any healthier to his normal state kan so he's been in and out of the hospital this past year. At first, many visited; many came but I guess I understand that it gets harder to do so when it's been that long? Yes I get it. Not to mention the fights we have about his care and such and that just makes it even harder to be the same; you just act like nothing happened for his sake.

But recently I just can't stand the fact that you post pictures to the whole world of your nini to show that you're visiting them. To the outside world, they'd see you've been visiting them all the time but inside that circle; we know you've just visited them recently. In a 1-2 months period that is.

You message your cousins, your aunties and your uncles about it to make sure that they'd know and you'd be ridden of your guilt when in fact they know that is the only time you're going to visit for the time being.

And some just haven't bother to visit at all because I guess there's just no guilt in them about it that they'd  just explain abuttload of bullshit to explain themselves; when in fact the only one matters is him; Nini.

I'm not perfect. I don't visit him everyday. Even when I do, it's not like I clean him, bathe him or change his diapers. I know that. But it's just that when he is in this condition where you just know deep down in your heart that his health is failing and he won't have much time left. Why are we acting this way? To show off, to ignore and to just fight over such trivial things. 

You don't need to post pictures or send them to your family to show your effort; that's between you and Nini. That matters. You don't need reasons when you feel guilty; you come and see him. And you don't just come when he is really failing and lying in the hospital. If you feel it's been too long, then make the effort. You don't have to explain yourself at all to people.

Yes, maybe he is not the best Nini; the best father in the world and yes maybe you explain to yourself that the reason you're not visiting is because he's not even nice to you but the truth is once he is gone, then you'd realise that he may not be the best but he did try his best because if he didn't then all of us are failures right now; all of us wouldn't be this well off as well. He may not provide with the wealth one wishes but when he's gone you'd realise that he has given you all his experience and advices he can for us to succeed. Once he's gone, you'd realised your regret for not treating him nicer while he's still here. Yes, maybe once he's in his grave; you'd forget about it and come by once a year but truth is though he is far away, he will always be in your heart, in your mind and in your prayers. It's up to you to have a good feeling or a bad one when you do think of him. 

I know because I have made the same mistake with my Ninibini and now that she's gone whenever I think about her, I feel regret. Regret for not treating her better, for not realising her and for not loving her enough. Because though she was sick (for more than a decade) she lived like a rockstar and took care of me when I was at my best health. And I don't want to repeat that and regret for not loving enough. And trust me, having regret when you think of your dead loved ones is the worst feeling ever; it feels like you've been a bad person your whole life.

So for that reason, please..Don't be like me, my dear ones. Don't have the same feelings as me. Visit Nini with respect, visit him before it's too late and please, love him before it's too late.