So..This happened..

Tonight is my parents' anniversary. So I am of course very busy; lari sana sini and stuff. I was also incharge of the BBQ and anything lah ah that night, I was called and asked to do stuff. Sekali..When all is done, I of course would look ragged, sweaty and just plain..Tired lah ah. Dirty as well I guess. So my nieces was in the karaoke room with their grandmother. The eldest somehow is now talkative Alhamdulillah. So outgoing, so sweet..I couldn't be more happier with her progress socially.

As I was going to pick up her little sister from her grandmother. I asked,

"Mau kah ia ni ah?" Then her grandmother took her far from me and replied,

"Inda ia mau tu. Inda ia mau tu."

She did it again. Hmm.

So it's kind of a fact that she selects the people who can touch her grandkids. And, of course the good stereotyped one will be selectedlah ah. I am not one of those selected. I am, of course the opposite of the ideal ones. I am not even close to ideal type.

It's sad.

I mean,

Of course I always try and be positive and just fuck it. You know? I mean, whateverlah ah I shouldn't care.

But it hurts to know your own aunt sees you that way. It hurts to know that I simply cannot surpass that area yet even at this age. And I repeat, even by my own aunt.

Banar pulang I was dirty from the smoke and stuff but even during raya man, even when I am wearing my most expensive clothes, in my golden accessories and in the best look I can ever come up with. I still can't touch her. She's still taken away from me.

Of course, her mum is not the same as their grandmother. Her mum is the best really. She is just so..Nice. I love her.

It's just that..Even at this age, I am still being frowned upon. Eventhough I am at the best journey I can go to for my age right now, I am still being seen as that poor dirty looking kid that simply must not be touched or to touch. So it hurts. It really hurts.

I told my mum about it and she simply suggested that I try and wear her face cream as it is doing wonders to her skin.

So I guess, it's because of my face lah ah that I can't really touch her grandchildren? Maybe she fears that I might contaminate their faces like chickenpox?

I try. So hard. I try and try. I did everything I could; the imaginable, the unimaginable. Everything I could.

It's in articles that acne happens not because you're dirty. It's just the condition of the skin. And logically you should clean you face everytime there is excess sebum on your face.

But what am I to do when it's proven that over-washing your face can cause acne?

What am I to do if just using water simply cannot cut it?

What am I to do when putting too much stuff on your face will infact triggers it?

What am I to do?

I accept my fate actually. Took me along time but Alhamdulillah, I am adapted to it and compared to the old me; my acne now is A BIG improvement.

I am tired of putting chemicals on my face and in my body.

I am tired of numbing myself from pain thinking that it will work out for me.

I am tired of knowing that in the future my body will get what I reaped.

I am tired of just going so far but yet will come back to the beginning.

And just feel so dirty.

Toodles,

Wahidah.